[ and he pulls his hands down, letting his hair trail over his shoulders ]
Simply - well -
Hahaha, I don't know. That's why it's troublesome. When it comes to him . . . It's a jumbled mess. Even more recently, between that house, the grudge that possessed ☆ZRAEL, and then the monster game just recently . . . No, I could say even before that, there was something bubbling, but . . .
. . . To be honest, I'm pretty slow when it comes to my own feelings, and they're difficult to speak of. I've thought and thought about it, but rather than anything like a breakthrough for them, it's like I'm always treading the same ground, walking in circles until I get tired and find something else to do. Well . . .
[ with a helpless sort of laugh ]
So that's why, I'm troublesome when it comes to him. Or rather, I'm troubled. Haha.
Well... I'll just say that, in my experience, trying to act like you're alright with something when you're not doesn't help anything. Or, trying to do things the way you think you're 'supposed' to, either. It just messes things up.
. . . It's really, really true, though! It's fine - certainly, if he did it, it would be fine! But -
It's like -
. . . If he did it, it would be fine. If it happened, then it would be fine. But thinking about it happening is - difficult?
I know I'd be alright with it - it's never bothered me before, it doesn't bother me now, but -
[ ffffllllop ]
If he just did it, and then told me after the fact, it wouldn't matter to me at all. The idea of - uhm, sanctioning it though, I suppose -
It just has me thinking, "Ah, why ask me in the first place. . . ? Don't ask me for permission for something like this, just do it if you like it. . ."
In the first place, Avenger doing as he likes - that's always been fine with me, and I prefer it that way, so . . .
Hmm... really? It's the opposite, for me, again...
With Joker—we agreed he'd ask me before doing anything. So when he... didn't, and just told me afterwards that he got carried away, or when he talked like talking to me was just checking a box before he did whatever he wanted... It wasn't that I minded him doing things with other people, exactly. But the point of asking was showing that he was thinking about me, and that he cared about my feelings, so when he didn't, it was like... he wasn't.
Well, it's different with Intensity, though. It's not that I wouldn't still like if he talked to me about things more, but that was never our arrangement. And I don't—have any doubts that he thinks about me, or cares about me, anyway.
See - that's how it is with Whisky-san and me. That is -
Well, in the first place, he didn't know if he could even come to love me when we started, you know? And I'm fine with just loving him - "I don't need to be loved, I just want to be able to love him," is how I felt. That's all I wanted. So -
That he's around at all is enough. That he will be with me is enough. Because, if he didn't want that - if he doesn't want to be with me - if he doesn't like me, then he'll simply leave. Then, all that's left is to accept that, so it's fine. It's simple like that, right?
With Avenger - it's not as though . . . It isn't as though I'm insecure about - well -
. . . No, maybe I am, but - about his feelings, I have no doubt. It's just . . .
Well - it's just that he's Avenger, you know? . . . No, I wonder if you do?
[That Whisky stuff doesn't actually sound great either, but she'll leave that one alone since she's not sure she's not sitting in a glass house at the moment.]
I don't. But I don't think he does either, really. He's still figuring out who he is, and what he wants, and how to communicate it.
...So are you, probably.
But, if you want to make each other happy, and there's something you want from each other, that can make it easier for both of you, right...?
He's Avenger - he's my antithesis, the person who's most capable of bringing me to ruin. ... I'm relying on him to do that, really. And, I'd already decided a long time ago -
. . . If he - no, not just him, but if he . . . If Dia-sama, if Whisky-san, if they were to do something untoward - if they were to do something wrong - then.
I've already decided to forgive it. So . . . It's all fine.
[ gee that was alarming ANYWAY, AS THOUGH HE DIDN'T JUST SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INSANE, ]
But recently! On the subject of that! Recently, it's like - "ah, Avenger is just mine" - thoughts like that! Troublesome thoughts like that!
[ PATS THE FLOOR, WITH FEELING ]
That game didn't help even a little bit! Seeing him with all of those marks that I made! That sort of - confusingly pleasant feeling, I don't understand it at all!!
[Maki begins to wonder how much she should actually be relying on Lucifel's advice.
But she doesn't feel equipped to address "I've already decided to forgive him when he brings me to ruin," either, especially not while naked in an underwater dream love hotel. So she just files that away for later and addresses the latter part.]
...Well, that's not bad, is it? A person can't actually be held totally exclusively, anyway... Even if you try to make it like that, people have more than one important person in their life. So it's just a question of where you draw the line. But even still, it's nice to feel like he's yours in some way. A special way that's only yours. Right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Simply - well -
Hahaha, I don't know. That's why it's troublesome. When it comes to him . . . It's a jumbled mess. Even more recently, between that house, the grudge that possessed ☆ZRAEL, and then the monster game just recently . . . No, I could say even before that, there was something bubbling, but . . .
. . . To be honest, I'm pretty slow when it comes to my own feelings, and they're difficult to speak of. I've thought and thought about it, but rather than anything like a breakthrough for them, it's like I'm always treading the same ground, walking in circles until I get tired and find something else to do. Well . . .
[ with a helpless sort of laugh ]
So that's why, I'm troublesome when it comes to him. Or rather, I'm troubled. Haha.
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[looks at him for several seconds in silence]
Well... I'll just say that, in my experience, trying to act like you're alright with something when you're not doesn't help anything. Or, trying to do things the way you think you're 'supposed' to, either. It just messes things up.
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Aaah, I don't know . . .
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. . . It's really, really true, though! It's fine - certainly, if he did it, it would be fine! But -
It's like -
. . . If he did it, it would be fine. If it happened, then it would be fine. But thinking about it happening is - difficult?
I know I'd be alright with it - it's never bothered me before, it doesn't bother me now, but -
[ ffffllllop ]
If he just did it, and then told me after the fact, it wouldn't matter to me at all. The idea of - uhm, sanctioning it though, I suppose -
It just has me thinking, "Ah, why ask me in the first place. . . ? Don't ask me for permission for something like this, just do it if you like it. . ."
In the first place, Avenger doing as he likes - that's always been fine with me, and I prefer it that way, so . . .
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With Joker—we agreed he'd ask me before doing anything. So when he... didn't, and just told me afterwards that he got carried away, or when he talked like talking to me was just checking a box before he did whatever he wanted... It wasn't that I minded him doing things with other people, exactly. But the point of asking was showing that he was thinking about me, and that he cared about my feelings, so when he didn't, it was like... he wasn't.
Well, it's different with Intensity, though. It's not that I wouldn't still like if he talked to me about things more, but that was never our arrangement. And I don't—have any doubts that he thinks about me, or cares about me, anyway.
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Well, in the first place, he didn't know if he could even come to love me when we started, you know? And I'm fine with just loving him - "I don't need to be loved, I just want to be able to love him," is how I felt. That's all I wanted. So -
That he's around at all is enough. That he will be with me is enough. Because, if he didn't want that - if he doesn't want to be with me - if he doesn't like me, then he'll simply leave. Then, all that's left is to accept that, so it's fine. It's simple like that, right?
With Avenger - it's not as though . . . It isn't as though I'm insecure about - well -
. . . No, maybe I am, but - about his feelings, I have no doubt. It's just . . .
Well - it's just that he's Avenger, you know? . . . No, I wonder if you do?
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I don't. But I don't think he does either, really. He's still figuring out who he is, and what he wants, and how to communicate it.
...So are you, probably.
But, if you want to make each other happy, and there's something you want from each other, that can make it easier for both of you, right...?
1/2
He's Avenger - he's my antithesis, the person who's most capable of bringing me to ruin. ... I'm relying on him to do that, really. And, I'd already decided a long time ago -
. . . If he - no, not just him, but if he . . . If Dia-sama, if Whisky-san, if they were to do something untoward - if they were to do something wrong - then.
I've already decided to forgive it. So . . . It's all fine.
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But recently! On the subject of that! Recently, it's like - "ah, Avenger is just mine" - thoughts like that! Troublesome thoughts like that!
[ PATS THE FLOOR, WITH FEELING ]
That game didn't help even a little bit! Seeing him with all of those marks that I made! That sort of - confusingly pleasant feeling, I don't understand it at all!!
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But she doesn't feel equipped to address "I've already decided to forgive him when he brings me to ruin," either, especially not while naked in an underwater dream love hotel. So she just files that away for later and addresses the latter part.]
...Well, that's not bad, is it? A person can't actually be held totally exclusively, anyway... Even if you try to make it like that, people have more than one important person in their life. So it's just a question of where you draw the line. But even still, it's nice to feel like he's yours in some way. A special way that's only yours. Right?
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he's a mess.
a mess that just flushes brilliant red to that, hands going up to his face to cover his expression entirely
eventually there's some sort of muffled response but it's too hard to hear it. ]
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[Her lips quirk up.]
What was that?
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[ mumble ]
It's nice . . .
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melts a little on the floor, fully covering his face again for a moment. he's completely flat except the very tip of his tail like. flutters ]
Hhhaaah . . .
Well . . . It's fine, them . . .
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Yeah. So don't worry about that part so much, at least.
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