[ her fingers halt, briefly. Then she remembers what she committed herself to, and continues ]
I understand what's good useful and effective, and that comes easily to me. I know what would hurt my chances for success in future work, and do my best to avoid those things, because work is important to me. I guess I like the work I used to do, it's fun to become someone else, since I'm much more sure of that than being "myself."
When I leave this place, I may need to become someone else, and forget everything here, but for now, who I am at present likes the sound of Chrysanthemum playing the piano, and rumbling timbre of Marnielance's voice when he whispers in my ear; psychoanalyzing people and making plans with Paloma, and the feel of Ruby's tail around me when they give me hugs. I like when people have fun at my Lives, planning weddings and helping people make their dreams come true. I like seeing people smile.
Edited (Last one I'm so sorry, one line makes no sense. ) 2020-09-18 00:49 (UTC)
[ they hum a bit, mulling all of that over. as they do, their tail seems to grow longer - fluffier, as it curls around her and they lean against her. ]
[ she notices, though the gentle stimulation of her fingers continues as if nothing happened. ]
I don't think it's fair to you to agree with you without understanding you better, but your offer felt very familiar.
There isn't a right or wrong answer... if this truly makes you happy, I wouldn't take that away from you, nor is it my place to. But others may see such shifting and neutrality as cause for concern for your sake.
It took me... close to two hundred days to reach this point. I spent most of them convinced that anyone who worried for me just didn't understand what I was, that how I felt didn't, shouldn't and never mattered, so I didn't need them to now... Despite my resistance, despite offering every reason not to care, my unit cared anyway. Others did too.
Perhaps this present me is a product of those feelings, a reflection or response to them.
[ the word's spat out, a far cry from the relative serenity with which they've said everything else so far. ]
To demand you change for their comfort, while telling you it's for your own good? Telling you not to be what you are because it's wrong for something that "thinks and talks" to want to be used for that which it was made? To try and use your purpose to take your purpose away from you?
Mm, but the two of us are different, I suppose. I don't think that how I feel doesn't or shouldn't matter. It's true it never did, but a wielder who wants to keep it that way isn't worthy of me, or any weapon for that matter. They're the ones who find themselves falling on their own sword, sooner or later.
[ oh, a sore subject. She shifts to a light massage, extra soothing. ]
Because we're different... I did need others to make me believe my feelings should have value... and that they are of value to them, otherwise, I would have continued running away from things my heart wanted, that which the masters who trained me told me I should not have. I think... there is a way to balance what I want and what I am, but I don't know where that lies for me right now. So I'll keep trying, and looking.
But what do you want? How do you wish to be wielded?
[ a small laugh bubbles up as she feels the bed tremble from their tail.
Her eyes don't look like a predator's. If they are a weapon, then she will admire them like a masterwork, beautiful, yet mindful of the live blade. The back of a hand brushes against an ear carefully ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I understand what's good useful and effective, and that comes easily to me. I know what would hurt my chances for success in future work, and do my best to avoid those things, because work is important to me. I guess I like the work I used to do, it's fun to become someone else, since I'm much more sure of that than being "myself."
When I leave this place, I may need to become someone else, and forget everything here, but for now, who I am at present likes the sound of Chrysanthemum playing the piano, and rumbling timbre of Marnielance's voice when he whispers in my ear; psychoanalyzing people and making plans with Paloma, and the feel of Ruby's tail around me when they give me hugs. I like when people have fun at my Lives, planning weddings and helping people make their dreams come true. I like seeing people smile.
no subject
So you're like me. Or at least, you were.
no subject
I don't think it's fair to you to agree with you without understanding you better, but your offer felt very familiar.
There isn't a right or wrong answer... if this truly makes you happy, I wouldn't take that away from you, nor is it my place to. But others may see such shifting and neutrality as cause for concern for your sake.
It took me... close to two hundred days to reach this point. I spent most of them convinced that anyone who worried for me just didn't understand what I was, that how I felt didn't, shouldn't and never mattered, so I didn't need them to now... Despite my resistance, despite offering every reason not to care, my unit cared anyway. Others did too.
Perhaps this present me is a product of those feelings, a reflection or response to them.
no subject
[ the word's spat out, a far cry from the relative serenity with which they've said everything else so far. ]
To demand you change for their comfort, while telling you it's for your own good? Telling you not to be what you are because it's wrong for something that "thinks and talks" to want to be used for that which it was made? To try and use your purpose to take your purpose away from you?
Mm, but the two of us are different, I suppose. I don't think that how I feel doesn't or shouldn't matter. It's true it never did, but a wielder who wants to keep it that way isn't worthy of me, or any weapon for that matter. They're the ones who find themselves falling on their own sword, sooner or later.
no subject
Because we're different... I did need others to make me believe my feelings should have value... and that they are of value to them, otherwise, I would have continued running away from things my heart wanted, that which the masters who trained me told me I should not have. I think... there is a way to balance what I want and what I am, but I don't know where that lies for me right now. So I'll keep trying, and looking.
But what do you want? How do you wish to be wielded?
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Or if there are other things you like that you can share.
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Hey, wouldn't it be more fun if you figured out what I like?
no subject
I don't mind trying, if you'll let me.
[ the scritching intensifies, just to see what they'll do. ]
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[ their tail goes from being curled around her to thumping at the bed, ears twitching beneath her hand. ]
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Her eyes don't look like a predator's. If they are a weapon, then she will admire them like a masterwork, beautiful, yet mindful of the live blade. The back of a hand brushes against an ear carefully ]
Would you get on your back for me?
no subject
Of course.
[ and then they rub their head against her hand one last time before scooting backward a bit to lie down on the mattress, on their back. ]