ヲタノン (imeeji anon account) ([personal profile] wotanon) wrote2021-03-17 04:05 pm
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DAY 335 S2FpYmE=, King and Man Eater graduate

DAY 338 Fanmail delivery

DAY 339 New kenkyuusei added

it's graduation season! what tales of effervescent youth are coming to an end, and what new tales will begin...

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(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 07:49 am (UTC)(link)
But you are denying that personhood to yourself right now. As I've said, our origins are not the measure of happiness we are entitled to.

And I don't think you are only a tool - rather, someone who was told they were one so often they came to believe it... You think you are undeserving of happiness because you've already got much in your life, yet struggle to find fulfillment in anything other than serving others, and do not live for yourself. Perhaps you do not let yourself to be another way, though I cannot say why, of course...

But even putting that aside - let us say that your personality and feelings are incidental. Why would that make them less meaningful? There is so much in the world that happens that way. The wind has no plan nor design for where it carries a seed, yet the flower that springs from it still brightens its surroundings. The rainbow, too, is an accident, merely light reflected off droplets at a certain angle. But is it less wonderful for that?

I think you should be kinder to yourself. And I know it can be hard to do so on one's own, but I am certain you have people to reach out to and rely on. And if you think you do not, I would be glad to become your friend - although of course I understand such connections are not forged by a simple decision.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 08:08 am (UTC)(link)
You didn't have to spend all this time...

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 08:11 am (UTC)(link)
I'm... not certain what you mean?

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 08:24 am (UTC)(link)
Telling me all that! I appreciate it, but you went so out of your way.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 08:30 am (UTC)(link)
But I wanted to do it. :)

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 08:49 am (UTC)(link)
Of course, you did.

Thank you. I'll think on it, but it's just hard for me in a number of ways. In the meantime, I don't know how to change the rest, but I'll figure something out. Or I won't. Either way.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 08:56 am (UTC)(link)
😮 Do we know each other?

I know such things can be really hard. But I really mean it when I say you should reach out to those close to you. Even very grievous wounds can be healed that way, slowly but surely.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 09:26 am (UTC)(link)
We're anonymous, who can say?

I don't like to burden people with my problems. They've got enough going on.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 11:36 am (UTC)(link)
That's true! It just sounded like you thought that was in my character to want to have such discussions. I thought we might be familiar with each other, then. :)

I know the feeling of blaming yourself for "burdening" others... I went through something quite traumatizing (to me, at least) some time ago, but it kept resurfacing for me. Each time I thought I had gotten better, I would end up still seeking support from my friends and loved ones. And I felt quite guilty about it, knowing that they've much to deal with already, and they've suffered through things I cannot even imagine living through. In comparison, my own problems felt insignificant, practically childish.

But at the same time I was faced with the knowledge that some of my friends were keeping their own pain and doubts from me, when I wanted nothing more but to be their support. So when I thought about it... I realized that if I tried not to rely on them, they would feel the same way. And that is not what I want for people I care about.

You say that you find fulfillment in living for the others - but that is the basis of being a person. As you want to care for them, they want to care for you, too. Don't deny them that happiness.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 01:15 pm (UTC)(link)
...You're such a strong person.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 01:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Ah, thank you for the compliment. But I do not think I am, at least not in the sense most commonly meant here. I would not have been able to weather the things I've gone through without the support of others.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 01:55 pm (UTC)(link)
There are different kinds of strength and being able to open yourself up and rely on others is one. You're really resilient.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 02:30 pm (UTC)(link)
I've never really thought of it as a strength before, but I've come to understand it more. But I am certain you have your own strengths! I would say that you, too, are strong because you have carried on until now. But you don't need to continue making the journey alone.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 02:57 pm (UTC)(link)
It definitely is, so hold your head high.

I've had to do everything on my own until now for the most part. I didn't have a choice. And now I don't know how not to be anything else.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 03:08 pm (UTC)(link)
I would say that life, by its very definition, is in a constant state of change, though I acknowledge that sounds a little contradictory. Nevertheless, it is true. We all change, and you can change and learn not to be alone, too. I would be more than happy to help if you find it scary to do so on your own!

And I would pass on something that the woman I love once told me: it will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, then it's not the end. I find it incredibly comforting. :)

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 03:30 pm (UTC)(link)
I would not disagree with you there and do not find it contradictory at all. The problem is I'm not sure how to go about it, and I wonder if I should at all. I might get...sloppy.

That's a nice saying, I guess.

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 03:42 pm (UTC)(link)
Making mistakes is part of any learning experience. That, too, is why you should rely on your friends: I'm certain they want you to succeed and will do all they can to help you along.

It's a wonderful saying, I think. She told me so when I was in a very bad place, and it just... made it disappear. I was not even thinking of there being a future, but she helped bring it about. In fact, if you ever need help and reassurance, I would suggest seeking her out! She is very caring and I'm sure she would find better words than me to encourage you. :)

(Anonymous) 2021-03-18 03:51 pm (UTC)(link)
I think you're doing just fine with your words, not to worry.

No, I don't mean making mistakes with learning I mean...a part of me has to be alone, for someone else's sake. I'm trying to rely on others more but...there has to be a limit. I don't want to take anyone for granted. And if I can't do things on my own anymore that person might be in danger.
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