wotanon | This Time Even Dreamier (VIII)

[IMAGINE IF YOU WEREN'T LIKE THIS.

Levity finally looks up at him, confusion plain on his features - this is not according to his mental script, his fears and memories. But...

Ardyn. He does remember that name. A kinder name, he'd said...

There's a sharp intake of breath, as though Levity can't believe this is real--and then he practically throws himself at Ardyn, wrapping his arms around him, clinging and tense with what turns out to be an unsuccessful effort at not crying.]

Ardyn--I, I'm so sorry, you've been so kind to me, yet I--

[Is he still having a crisis over saying mean things to fucked up closet Absinthe? Experts say yes.]

[ he's actually surprised Levity is hugging him at all! there's a few moments where he doesn't move, as if uncertain how to, before he hugs him in turn -- firm, but gentle still, as if he's afraid if he squeezes too hard Levity might break in his arms. ]

You need not apologize, my friend. Please do not. I've done nothing to warrant your kindness.

[He's doing better in dreams!!! When he's not conscious enough!! Just don't let him be awake!

Despite the earlier dissonance, Levity's subconscious seems to find a way to rebalance the dream again - rather than a fear, it is a hope now; after all, it's comfort from Ardyn himself that Levity craves most of all, reaffirmation of affection and care, knowledge that what had happened in the field was not really real, that it has no reflection on how Ardyn feels about him.

He shakes his head, burrowing deeper into the hug. Pls hold :( ]

N-No, you've been so kind, but I... You're nothing like him. You're nothing like him...

[Sure wonder who he's talking about!!!]

I would like to think I am not.

[ Ardyn murmurs, letting his arms keep their hold on Levity, not pulling away though he still doesn't tighten his hold on him. ]

But -- still, he hurt you, and he has my face. Of course you would be afraid.

[Oh. Oh no misunderstanding. Levity freezes, and then tried to pull away, scared again, shoulders hunched and arms pressed to his chest like he's trying to make himself smaller.]

No, he was--he was right to, I shouldn't have said it, I shouldn't have. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I just--I was scared, it was still fresh, I didn't want to remember...

[ he frowns -- and he does let go, not wanting to keep Levity there by force -- ]

What did you say?

[Well someone seems to be positively terrified of explaining. And by someone I mean Levity. He's starting to breathe faster, trying to look away from Absinthe--but his eyes keep straying back to his face, as though he's afraid of not knowing what Absinthe might do next.]

I'm... sorry, I'm sorry...

[But even panicked as he is, Levity realizes that simply apologizing won't save him. He forces himself to swallow the lump in his throat, finally looks down because now it's too scary to look at Absinthe, to see his anger again.]

I... I c-compared him... you... to your brother...

[His voice ends in a whisper and he screws his eyes shut, cringing back, obviously expecting some kind of retaliation. And maybe in the grand scheme of things it's a silly thing to blame himself for, but unfortunately that's the conclusion Levity's subconscious arrived at: that it was his own fault for insulting Absinthe, for lashing out like that instead of staying compliant.]

[ he tenses then -- and then there's a thought .. that's it? how poor of a temper this part of his heart must have, to be so enraged by such a minor thing. it's not as if he particularly enjoys being compared to him when he's in his right mind, but at the same time --

he's done far worse things than Somnus ever did, by a wide mile now. Ardyn exhales, heavily. ]

You need not apologise. My brother has been cruel, but I have been crueller at times. Far moreso than him. That aspect of me ... It is irrational, and it wronged you -- you know that, yes?

[yeah maybe that part of you is fucked!!!!

Levity startles when there is no retribution coming - so convinced he was that he was going to be punished. He stares at Ardyn in incomprehension, but at least now fear in his eyes is replaced by confusion.]

B-But... I...

[He doesn't know what to think. With how much Levity has convinced himself, if only on a subconscious level, that it was all his own fault... It's now rather scary to face the possibility of the opposite.]

Ardyn, you... you were right to be angry with me, I shouldn't have intruded, I shouldn't have been so rude to you, I--

[He seems to be panicking again, though for nearly the opposite reason now. Levity buries his face in his hands, trying not to hyperventilate.]

...please. Please, what can I do to make it up to you, I don't want you to be angry with me, I don't--

[ Ardyn makes a shhing sound, and he resists the urge to reach forward and pet, or try to hug Levity again. instead he just tries to cup the backs of his hands, to gently pull them away from his face. ]

It was not your choice to intrude. And you were quite right to be rude to that aspect myself.

May I ask something of you?

[is this mercy kill offer pt 2

Levity still startles at the touch, but less so than before - out of surprise than fear this time. He looks up at Ardyn, tears in the corners of his eyes.]

Of... Of course. Anything...

[ he gently guides Levity's hands away from himself, instead towards Ardyn's own neck -- where he tries to put them at either side of it, where if Levity squeezed he'd be holding his throat in turn. ]

You do not need to fear me.

[SIR???? This is a development Levity clearly didn't expect, and there's a different kind of worry on his face, even as he does let Ardyn guide his hands to his neck.]

Ardyn, I don't want to hurt you!

[His voice is fearful again, though not for himself this time... and yet, there is something about this reversal of power dynamics that--does make him feel better, in a way. The biggest challenge of recovery, after all, was reestablishing control - of his body, of his mind, of his life.]

I am allowing it. I am asking it of you - - so you do not have to live with his specter over you for the remainder of your days here.

[ still - - Ardyn doesn't make him squeeze down. his hands remain there but it's more for support, to keep that contact up but to not force him into anything. if he's to do this it will be his choice. ]

[His eyes search Ardyn's face, trying to figure out what--what it is he wants, needs here.

...Eventually, he breathes out shakily, closes his eyes. His hands twitch around Ardyn's neck, but--]

...I can't. I can't hurt you, Ardyn... I simply... I simply wanted you to care for me. I did not want you to hate me. To be angry with me.

[ he frowns - - and he does squeeze a bit with his fingers but it's not enough to force the grip. ]

I do not hate you. I want you to have this, Levity.

[LISTEN CAN YOU JUST MAKE IT CLEAR THIS IS HORNY KIND OF CHOKING, NOT MURDER CHOKING. HE WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.]

...Why?

[ look he doesn't know if Levity knows the difference?? ]

You will not hurt me. In fact - - in the right circumstances it can be rather enjoyable.

And you still have control.

[What if you told him though!!!

But it seems that Levity at least has the inkling of an idea that, sometimes, choking can be horny. There's pink in his cheeks as he studies Ardyn's face, and. Oh. Well.

He squeezes down ever so slightly.]

...You never did answer me. When I asked if it's... if this... if being hurt feels good for you, too...

[ Absinthe's breath intakes some - - and there's a chuckle, but it's not mocking, more fond as he tips his head to bare more of his neck. ]

It does. So you never need to hold back for my sake.

[...Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh oh he gets it now.

Levity certainly looks flustered by that, but also... curious? Since Absinthe seems to be participating willingly, Levity increases the pressure some more - but carefully, despite the reassurances. His face flushes more as he contemplates the... implications.]

...N-No, I don't want to go so far as to actually hurt you. But... If you like this...

[Maybe he can have little a breathplay. As a treat.]

[ a little breathplay! as a treat!

Absinthe smiles and inhales slow, deep, as the pressure increases. it's still not really restricting his breathing but Levity can feel the way his pulse picks up under his hands. ]

I do. And I trust you with it, more than most.

[Levity smiles--he can't help but be flattered, both at the fact that he can do something Ardyn likes but mostly the fact that he's trusted. That... goes a long way to making him feel better, really.]

...Thank you.

[Something else stirs at the back of his mind, a half-formed memory.]

I'm sorry if I made you feel like I did not trust you, Ardyn.

[ he shakes his head, stroking the back of Levity's hand. ]

I understand entirely why you were uncertain with me, my friend. I am relieved you trust me enough to be comfortable doing this much.

[He flushes!!! It's nice to have Absinthe be genuinely charming again. Too bad this wouldn't really work in real life because there Levity's subconscious still freaks out at the sight of him.]

...To be honest... I was certain. But others kept telling me it would be naive or stupid, to trust so blindly.

[...]

And I think you would have been unhappy with that, too.

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